The critics were (almost) satisfied. . . .
PS.
Category Archives: Humor
Quotes of [Early In] the Week
Borrowed from a note to Garrison Keillor:
Rows and flows of loosened hair
And vomit on the second stair
And catnip mousies everywhere
I’ve looked at cats that way
But then they lie and soak the sun
They purr and mew at everyone
They snuggle when the day is done
But cats get in the way
I’ve looked at cats from both sides now
Their heads, their butts and still somehow
Despite the things that I recall,
I really don’t know cats at all
Karen Rouda
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know. — W. H. Auden
After a lengthy, difficult committee session, a 76-year-old Quaker is sipping his drink in a coffee bar. Suddenly, a gorgeous young woman enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive he can’t keep his eyes off her.
The young woman approaches the old man, looks him deep in the eyes, and says to him in a sultry tone: “I’ll do anything you’d like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams. It doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is; I’m game. I want $200, and there’s another condition.”
The man asks what the condition is.
“You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He then whips out his wallet and puts twenty $10 bills in her outstretched hand.
He then looks her square in the eyes and says slowly and clearly:
“Paint our meetinghouse.”
Our needs change as we get older. Never underestimate how old Quakers can get things done.
Geography of the Heart
Teacher: Obadiah, can thee tell us where the Canadian border is?
Obadiah: Sure. He’s walking in the park with my older sister
Rebecca, and mother doesn’t trust his intentions one bit.
The Truth In Chains
A newly-installed governor of Pennsylvania made a quiet visit to a state prison, and spoke to inmates. One prisoner after another swore they were innocent and had been wrongly convicted.
Then he asked the last prisoner, “So, are you innocent too?”
But the youth replied, “No, Friend. I did wrong, stole some money, and was properly tried and sentenced.”
“You admit the crime?” the governor asked.
“Yes, Friend.”
The governor whipped out his pen and immediately signed a
pardon. “Get this crook out of here!” he roared at the guards.
The other prisoners started complaining loudly.”Hey!” was the common cry, “how can you let this confessed crook go, while we’re all stuck in here?“
The governor shrugged.
“Well,” he said, “I was afraid that evil guy would corrupt all you innocent lambs.”
Truth & Consequences
An old-fashioned Quaker minister lined up all his five gray-clad sons and stood in front of them. “Young Friends,” he said in a carefully-controlled voice, “who pushed the privy into the creek?”
No one answered.
The patriarch repeated the question, and was again met with a guarded silence.
“All right,” he said, “did I ever tell you the story of George
Washington and his father? George chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but he told the truth about it, and wasn’t punished. And they weren’t even Friends.”
Then he asked again, “Who pushed the privy over the cliff?”
To which the two youngest sons sheepishly admitted, “Father, we cannot tell a lie, we did it.”
Whereupon their father retrieved a short length of birch and administered them some physical eldering on the hinder parts.
When he was done, the two boys, rubbing their sore posteriors, asked, “Father, thee said that when George Washington told the truth, he
wasn’t punished. But we told the truth, and we got punished. How come, Father?”
Their father replied, “There’s a difference, young man.
Washington’s father was not IN the cherry tree when George chopped it down.”
Maybe The Best Column I Never Read; Plus Many of the Best Typos
From, “Behind a pseudonym, literary provocation”
James Campbell’s ‘NB by J.C.’ brings together the columns of an incendiary cultural critic. . . .
By Michael Dirda – May 12, 2023
Even before catching up with the latest scholarly kerfuffle in the Letters column, readers of Britain’s Times Literary Supplement turn first to its last page. There, one can find a weekly feature somewhat enigmatically titled NB, the Latin abbreviation for “nota bene,” which could be translated as “pay close attention.”
Overall, NB might be loosely described as a gossip column for the erudite, but during the first 20 years of the present century, James Campbell made it into something more — a uniquely personal miscellany of wit, weirdness and waspish provocation. Continue reading Maybe The Best Column I Never Read; Plus Many of the Best Typos
Cartoons & The Latest Bad/Good Southern Baptist News
News Update: Debt ceiling “negotiations” continue . . .
And Rep. George Santos Keeps Working With His Mentor . . . .
A preview of the campaign strategy . . .
Speaking of George Santos, he was carefully accessorized when he arrived at his office on Tuesday. But when arrested shortly after, the AR-15 pin was gone . . . .
As this new binder cover was rolled out, unconfirmed rumors swirled that three justices were holding up its completion, demanding that the text be printed on Charmin Ultra Strong. Asked how this dispute could be resolved, a court spokesperson said, “Depends . . . .”
The winner of Wednesday’s CNN Town Hall Star Lookalike contest, outside the studio, working for autographs to add to their collection …
Another full-color nightmare about 2024 .. .
[NOTE: The following is not satire. For many Baptists it will be read as bad news; for this observer, it’s all good. The SBC is the heir to the American church tradition that championed slavery to the bitter end, blessed treason and secession, then stood as a bulwark of segregation, continues to exclude women from equal status and leadership, is promoting coverups of abuse scandals involving many prominent pillars of its brand of piety, and is a major stronghold of the religious authoritarianism that threatens all the best in our republic’s history and future. To see it shrinking steadily should warm the heart of sincere Christians there and everywhere.]
(Religion News Service) — The long, slow decline of the nation’s largest Protestant denomination continues.
Membership in the Southern Baptist Convention was down by nearly half a million in 2022, according to a recently released denomination report. Nashville-based Lifeway Research reported Tuesday (May 9) that the SBC had 13.2 million members in 2022, down from 13.68 million in 2021. That loss of 457,371 members is the largest in more than a century, according to the Annual Church Profile compiled by Lifeway.
Once a denomination of 16.3 million, the SBC has declined by 1.5 million members since 2018, and by more than 3 million members since 2006. The COVID-19 pandemic played a role in the downturn, as did the reality that as older members die off, there are fewer young people to replace them.
“SBC membership falls to lowest number since late 1970s” Graphic courtesy of Lifeway Research
The denomination has also been in a constant state of crisis in recent years, including a major sex abuse scandal, controversies over race and an ongoing feud over the denomination’s leadership and future direction.
Church membership rolls had also likely been filled with people who were no longer part of the congregation.
“Much of the downward movement we are seeing in membership reflects people who stopped participating in an individual congregation years ago and the record keeping is finally catching up,” said Scott McConnell, executive director of Lifeway Research, in a statement about the report.
“SBC membership continues decline, attendance rebounds post-COVID” Graphic courtesy of Lifeway Research
The denomination also lost 416 churches and another 165 “church-type” missions, according to the report.
Even as membership dropped, attendance at worship services continues to recover from pandemic lows. Attendance was up 5% to 3.8 million in 2022, after falling from 4.4 million in 2020 to 3.6 million in 2021, due largely to COVID-19 disruptions.
Churches reported 180,177 baptisms for 2022, up 16% from 2021. Like attendance, baptisms took a steep hit during the pandemic, from 235,748 in 2019 to 123,160 in 2020. Baptism numbers then began increasing in 2021.
“SBC baptisms rebound some after COVID-19 collapse” Graphic courtesy of Lifeway Research
Despite the decline in members, giving to the SBC remained steady. Receipts at SBC churches totaled nearly $10 billion, up 2% from 2021.
The SBC will hold its annual meeting June 13-14 in New Orleans. There, delegates — known as messengers — from local churches will hear an update from a task force charged with implementing abuse reforms and elect a president for the denomination. The current president, Texas pastor Bart Barber, faces a challenge from Georgia pastor Mike Stone, who narrowly lost the presidential election to Ed Litton in 2021.
Messengers at the meeting will also discuss the role of women in church leadership. Earlier this year, the SBC’s Executive Committee voted to expel several churches for having women pastors, including Saddleback Church, a California megachurch and one of the denomination’s largest congregations, for having women pastors. Saddleback is expected to appeal that decision.
A Virginia pastor has also proposed an amendment to the SBC’s constitution that would bar churches with women pastors from being part of the denomination. The SBC’s statement of faith limits the office of pastor to men — but churches disagree on whether that limit applies only to the role of senior pastors or to all pastoral roles at churches.
Extra! A Reviewer Says — Cancel the Coronation Quiche, Quick!
The Economist is a venerable British “newspaper” (magazine, in modern argot, founded in 1843) which has ere long been casting a devoted but unsparing eye on British and international life, business, politics, culture & even cuisine. Its writers also tend to be quick on the draw, well-informed, mercilessly witty. And wide-ranging.
Continue reading Extra! A Reviewer Says — Cancel the Coronation Quiche, Quick!