A woman in gray, wearing a bonnet, was pulled over by a state trooper after a high-speed chase.
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to thee, but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it after 4 convictions for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?
Woman: Oh, I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car. Continue reading A Quaker Chuckle
How I Found the Right Job
In honor of Labor Day, here’s a first person report of someone who was not quite as successful as he had hoped to be in the job market:
As a young man
My first job was in an orange juice factory, but I couldn’t
concentrate on the same old boring rind, so I got canned.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack
it, so they gave me the axe.
After that, I tried out in a donut shop, but soon got tired of
the hole business, and the boss always had this totally glazed look.
I manufactured calendars, but my days there were numbered.
I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly
because it was a sew-sew job, de-pleating and de-pressing, and the foreman couldn’t stop needling me.
After that I took a job as an upholsterer, but I never recovered.
In my prime
Next I signed on in a car muffler factory, but that was
exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.
Then I took pilot lessons, but tended to wing it, and didn’t have the
right altitude. Continue reading This One Weird Trick Will guarantee to Fully Empty Your Brain Before Labor Day Brunch — Try It NOW!
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Dr. Oz Claims That Eating Classified Documents Was Essential to Trump’s Healthy Diet
By Andy Borowitz — August 29, 2022
PITTSBURGH (The Borowitz Report)—Eating classified documents was “an essential part of President Donald Trump’s super-healthy diet,” Dr. Mehmet Oz has claimed.
Oz, the longtime television host and, more recently, Pennsylvania’s G.O.P. nominee for the U.S. Senate, said that “classified documents, including the nuclear codes, provided the roughage necessary to keep President Trump’s digestive system humming along at the highest possible level.”
https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/dr-oz-claims-that-eating-classified-documents-was-essential-to-trumps-healthy-diet
Tucker Carlson Accuses Biden of Lowering Gas Prices
By Andy Borowitz — July 11, 2022
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a blistering takedown of the President, Tucker Carlson accused Joe Biden of cynically leveraging the power of his office to lower gasoline prices.
“For weeks, Biden has been saying that he’d do something about the price of gasoline,” the Fox News host said. “Now, lo and behold, gas prices are lower. Joe Biden has been acting in plain sight.”
“The American people aren’t dumb,” Carlson continued. “When they fill up their tanks, they notice that it costs less. They can tell that something’s going on, and they’re not going to put up with it.”
After gas prices showed their biggest one-day drop in almost fifteen years, Carlson said, “It’s time to call out the man behind this conspiracy: Joe Biden.”
Carlson demanded that Congress “stop investigating January 6th and focus its attention on a real scandal: Joe Biden’s corrupt plot to lower gas prices.”
“This is worse than anything Hunter has done,” Carlson charged.
