How MAGA Out-Trolled Me (I Couldn’t Make This Stuff Up!)

Ghislane Maxwell’s perjurious and empty DOJ “testimony” about St. Donald, cried out, it seemed to me, for a parody pushback. So this morning I cranked up my snark machine and began striking the keys:

EXCLUSIVE: A Leaked Addendum to Maxwell’s DOJ “Interview”

A source-mole in DOJ has sent out a page of Maxwell’s “testimony” that was marked for redaction, but mislaid on the desk of one of the many DOJ attorneys fired in the past week. It made its way to me, and here is the substance of it.

After insisting that neither she nor Jeffrey Epstein nor Trump nor anyone else ever touched a teen girl “inappropriately,”  and that Trump was always a perfect gentlemen in her presence, Maxwell produced a few long-neglected memories, to fill in her sketch of this national hero, to wit:

MAXWELL: Not only that, but Donald impressed me even more when he conducted a Bible study group for the staff in the spa.

It was so touching. His texts were always from 2 Corinthians, Chapter 14, especially the Sermon on the Count. Donald explained that Jesus was teaching the disciples that building the second temple was the best real estate deal in Jerusalem history.

He also told us he is praying about getting to build the new one they’re planning for the Temple mount. He’s already collecting gold decorations in the oval office for the massage center he wants for it. You know, like the temple spa he read about in the Bible; that was in the Book of Ruth or Esther, I forget which. And he said it will be the biggest greatest spa ever, twice the size of the new White House ballroom, and all for the glory of God.

Then he taught us about Jesus turning the wine into water — you know Donald is a teetotaler — such character! But next he read how Jesus turned the tables on the money-changers, and tried to show them how much better they could do by moving into crypto. He read us where Jesus believed their rejection of that message is what led to the temple’s destruction. So sad.

And oh! I also remember the visit by Dr. James Dobson. Oh yes, he flew in on Jeffrey’s plane, and that session was especially awesome. He gave Donald an award, with his book, for being so focused on his family, especially his older daughter. I think I have a picture of it. He said it had many uses.

Donald was thrilled and edified, but humble about it. Dr. Dobson told us he was proud to know Donald was such a champion of traditional family values.

They were great friends. I’m told the Doctor visited Donald in the White House, but I wasn’t there for that. I’m sure Dr. Dobson would tell you so if you asked him . . . .

This was, I thought, promising stuff. But then, I paused to search for a photo of Trump reading the Bible. And next thing I knew — CRASH! parody failed.

The page switched to Amazon, and the following description of a new children’s book, just out last month. Scanning it, noting that it even included the red tie (such a clever touch) I knew my parody had been outdone by fact. Herewith the full actual description, and the link if you think I’m kidding:

Amazon:

President’s Bible: Hear Trump’s Voice Tell Noah’s Ark – Kids Bible Easy to Read, Hardcover Book with Interactive Buttons, Childrens Christian Gift, AI Voice Audio

Hardcover – Picture Book, July 15, 2025
by Jay Kamhi

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HEAR TRUMP’S VOICE NARRATE NOAH’S ARK: Children will be delighted as they press the interactive sound buttons on each vibrant page to hear Donald Trump’s distinctive voice tell this biblical story. Through the magic of AI technology, we’ve created a unique children’s book experience with biblical teachings.

LET TRUMP BRING BIBLICAL VALUES INTO YOUR HOME: Timeless lessons of faith, and God’s promises shine through this beloved biblical tale. Each page features an interactive button that activates Trump’s signature delivery with crystal-clear narration, making scripture stories engaging and memorable for young Christian children.

KIDS WILL LOVE THESE BEAUTIFULLY ILLUSTRATED PAGES: Stunning, full-color illustrations transform the tale of Noah’s Ark into a captivating visual journey that educates AND entertains. Share this joy of biblical discovery as the perfect religious present for birthdays, Sunday school rewards, Christian homeschool resources, church gifts, or any conservative family wanting to introduce kids to both faith traditions and patriotic values.

LISTEN RIGHT OUT OF THE BOX: This premium hardcover sound book features sturdy pages and long-lasting batteries built to withstand enthusiastic little hands! Easy-press buttons, adjustable volume control, and convenient on/off power button let you customize the listening experience. Replaceable batteries included so you can enjoy this biblical tale right out of the box without delay.

START YOUR PRESIDENT’S BIBLE COLLECTION: This treasured volume launches an exciting series of interactive sound books featuring America’s 45th and 47th President narrating the greatest biblical stories ever told. Each book in the collection combines Trump’s distinctive voice with stunning illustrations and easy-to-use sound technology, creating an engaging library that makes scripture learning memorable and fun for Christian families.

I know when I’ve been overtaken, beat, whacked upside the head with that Dobson Bible paddle. I bet this book will be a smash, and it’s said to be the start of a long series.

I can’t wait to get the one where DJT reads the kiddos about the Ten Commandments. . . .