Operator: Hello, this is Theology 911. What is your theological emergency?
Aunt Mabel: Oh, thank heaven. OMG it’s so awful!
Operator: Yes, ma’am. Please ma’am, are you in danger?
Aunt Mabel: I sure am, sonny. It’s the guns. And it’s not just me. Please send a SWAT team to my house right away, or it will be too late!
Operator: Right away, ma’am. Let me get some information. Did you say someone else there with you is also in danger?
Aunt Mabel: Yes! Oh, it’s so horrible. It’s God!
Operator: Ma’am, I’m not sure I understand. Are you saying God has guns?
Aunt Mabel: No, no— it’s Biden. Joe Biden.
Operator: Excuse me? Joe Biden is God?
Aunt Mabel. Of course not. That’s crazy.
Operator: I’m sorry, you’re right, it is crazy. So is Joe Biden threatening you with guns?
Aunt Mabel: Well, yes. But even more, he’s threatening God.
Operator: Joe Biden is threatening God? With guns? What kind of guns are these?
Aunt Mabel: MY guns. I only have a couple of Glocks, but Biden is threatening me also, because he’s coming to take them, and my Bible too. He wants to hurt God!
Operator: Your guns? And your Bible? How is he going to hurt God with a Bible?
Aunt Mabel: No, no. He’s gonna burn all the Bibles. And the guns are for — I guess they’re for the lizard people. That’s what he said—
Operator: Excuse me, ma’am, who said this?
Aunt Mabel: What do you mean who said it? Trump did. He was right here in Ohio. Or was it Alex Jones?
Operator: Help me be sure I have that name right, for my notes, ma’am. Is that A-L-E-X —?
Aunt Mabel: Wait — OMG, I think someone’s knocking on my door! It must be the QAnon Deep State Antifa hit squad. They’re coming for my guns, and my Bible, and they wanna give them to Biden to hurt God. Trump said so — I saw him on Fox. But they won’t get mine, not as long as I’m breathing. Be right back, unless they grab me–
Operator: Uh, ma’am– ma’am??
Aunt Mabel (out of breath): Okay, close call, it was just the pizza guy. And anyway I missed him. Need more target practice.
Operator: (Gulp) Ma’am, err–excuse me, but I think your call was misrouted. Here at Theology 911 we’re more trained to deal with unanswerable questions, using special platitudinous deflections and arcane abstractions.
But no worries — we can get you to the right place quick enough. Just let me put you on a brief hold here —
Aunt Mabel: What? Wait— Hello? . . . Hello??
New Operator: Hello, Ma’am, this is the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. We’re an emergency service to help keep your country from committing national suicide.
Now, can you tell me, just in your own words, how you began to believe that a politician was actually going to burn all the Bibles and hurt God?
Aunt Mabel: It wasn’t politicians. It was Democrats, you know — Demon Seed. And well, it started when Obama was born in Benghazi, and then grew up memorizing Hillary’s emails, and learning terrorism from Soros himself . . .
New Operator: Hmmm. Go on, ma’am, I’m listening. And let me assure you, if we can just get you to hold on a bit longer, help is on the way . . .
AP News: Playing electoral defense, Trump claims Biden opposes God
BY JONATHAN LEMIRE. — August 6, 2020
CLEVELAND (AP) — President Donald Trump billed his trip to Ohio Thursday as a chance to promote economic recovery, but he quickly pivoted to a deeply personal attack on Joe Biden, even questioning without foundation the former vice president’s faith in God.
Even for a president known for his blunt criticism, Trump’s remarks stood out and they signaled how contentious the campaign may get over the coming months.
“He’s following the radical left agenda, take away your guns, destroy your 2nd Amendment, no religion, no anything, hurt the Bible, hurt God. He’s against God. He’s against guns. He’s against energy, our kind of energy. I don’t think he’s going to do too well in Ohio,” Trump said.
Biden called the remarks beneath the office he holds. “For President Trump to attack my faith is shameful,” Biden said. . . .
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