Breaking: “Not The News” Satire by Andy Borowitz

Satire from The Borowitz Report

Trump Denies Ever Knowing Ketchup

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker — June 29, 2022

PALM BEACH (The Borowitz Report)—In his latest denunciation of the former White House aide Cassidy Hutchinson’s testimony to the January 6th committee, Donald J. Trump has denied ever knowing ketchup.

“This business about me using ketchup is a lie, and Wacko Cassidy knows it,” Trump wrote on his social network, Truth Social. “I have never worked with ketchup, and I don’t know ketchup.”

“Ketchup is for losers,” he added.

Trump issued a list of his favorite condiments, notably omitting any mention of the popular tomato-based sauce.

“I’ve used mustard, I’ve used mayonnaise, and at times I’ve used A-1 stake [sic] sauce,” he wrote. “Using ketchup is a disgrace, and it should never be allowed to happen in our country.”

Trump Claims Ketchup Would Never Have Hit Wall if Giuliani Had Not Ducked

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker — June 28, 2022

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Disputing Cassidy Hutchinson’s testimony before the January 6th committee, Donald J. Trump claimed that ketchup would never have wound up dripping down the Oval Office wall if Rudy Giuliani had not ducked.

“Lyin’ Cassidy said that I threw my lunch at the wall,” Trump wrote on his social network, Truth Social. “I actually threw it at Rudy Giuliani, and he ducked.”

“It was a perfect throw,” he boasted.

Trump said that, had the former New York mayor not ducked, “ketchup would have been dripping down Rudy’s head like his hair die [sic] does.”

Trump expressed some surprise that Giuliani was able to evade the flying lunch. “When you consider how bombed he was, the guy had incredible reflexes,” the former President observed.

Trump Suggests Putin Just Claim He Won

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker — March 2, 2022

PALM BEACH (The Borowitz Report)—As the Russian invasion of Ukraine continues to encounter difficulties, Donald J. Trump has advised Vladimir Putin “just to claim that he won.”

“He needs to get on TV and say that he’s the winner,” Trump said. “He should say that he had a victory in Ukraine like you wouldn’t believe.”

Trump said that the Russian President should hold rallies across the country to tell his supporters that he won but that his victory had been stolen from him.

“I thought Putin was smart, but maybe he’s not so smart after all,” Trump said. “If he doesn’t say he won, he’s some kind of stupid dummy.”

Trump said that, since his calls to the Russian leader kept going straight to voice mail, he left Putin a suggestion of what he should tell the Russian people.

“All he needs to say is, ‘Frankly, we did win this invasion,’ ” Trump said.

 

One thought on “Breaking: “Not The News” Satire by Andy Borowitz”

  1. Borowitz had to label his New Yorker FB posts more clearly as satire during the first year of Trump’s rain (on our parade). Folks were reposting as news.

    When life mimics satire the country is in trouble.

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