Enter The Next Trump Campaign Manager: It Might Be ME
I was trying to avoid any political posts until after Labor Day; but this is just too good to keep to myself.
You see, I’ve been doing a lot of important work for the Trump campaign.
No, really. I mean, I must have. And I did go to one of his rallies here in North Carolina, back in March. So it must be true, because that’s just what he and several other campaign bigwigs have told me, repeatedly.
And it’s about to pay off. Look what he wanted to sent me. An Executive Membership card! (Well, really just the picture. But who could resist?)
And yes, I was a little surprised; but he’s a super-smart guy, and he said,
“You’ve done a lot for our campaign, and you deserve to be rewarded.”
So there it is. Besides, I actually do know a thing or two about politics. (I can even remember that old American Express commercial where this guy in a suit says, “Do You Know Me?” And I DID — it was William E. Miller, who ran for Vice-Pres. with Goldwater in 1964. Bet YOU didn’t know that.) And recognition of your skills is always welcome, don’t you think?
That must be why Mr D. himself offered me admission to his Executive Members’ Circle, for a mere $35 (down from $100, he said, just for me). And is this membership card spiffy or what?
But that was just the beginning. Soon enough Mr. D. followed up by offering me a huge promotion. He wrote:
“The way to win at anything– in life, in business, and in politics – is to have the best team.”
Well, I couldn’t argue with that. Then he dropped the bomb:
“So I am asking you today to help guide our team to victory as a member of the Trump Board of Directors. Join today and get your own personalized Board of Directors Certificate.”
Who could resist such an opportunity?
And only a few days afterward, I heard from no less a heavyweight than Eric Trump, who sure looks like the power behind the throne to me (watch out, Melania!) And old Eric was all over me:
“I want to hear your opinions on our campaign. And we could do it over lunch in New York City…
Contribute just $3 to be automatically entered to win a trip to New York, a tour of our campaign HQ at Trump Tower and a lunch on me.
You’ll get an insider look at our campaign operation, and the chance to provide critical feedback on what we need to do to Make America Great Again!
I look forward to meeting you.”
Well, count me in, Eric! I popped a $3 bill that came from a slot machine at the Trump Vegas when I was out there last spring, right into an envelope and shot it off to him.
What could be more super-luxurious than a power lunch at the Tower. (I hear the taco salad is to die for, or at least worth climbing over any old wall.)
And hardly a day later, the stakes were upped further when I got a personal message from that hottie Kellyanne Conway, the new campaign manager, who said, right to me,
“I want you to play a critical role . . . .”
(The truth now: You think the taco salad is cool enough to order when she’s there? Or should I maybe go for one of those cheeseburgers they eat with a knife & fork?)
And then Mr. D himself was back by the weekend, to help me prep for this summit:
he wrote (and you know, I don’t let just anybody call me “charles,” especially with a small “c”. It’s what my mother, may she rest in peace, called me, along with Sister Mary Amator in parochial school, and a judge or two here and there.) But there was a reason for it, he explained:
“There are a few remaining copies of The Art of the Deal and I want YOU to have one.
Get your own-limited edition, signed copy of The Art of the Deal.
The Art of the Deal is one of the best-selling business books of all time. It came out to rave reviews in the late 1980s. And you know what’s amazing? I still follow all the advice I first wrote about back then.
In fact,the keys to my success in this campaign for president are all in The Art of the Deal.
The Art of the Deal sold out in all the bookstores every time it’s been released, so today it is out of print.
But I have a small number of them here at our campaign headquarters inside Trump Tower, and frankly, I wanted you to have one.”
Wow. Gotta get that book. Besides, it would be more than a trophy. See, I’d read it on the train up to Manhattan, and then I’d be equipped to really do the Big Deal at the Tower– to win, win, win!
And what do I want to win? Some stupid stinking new trade deal? A few green cards to hawk next time I’m down in Juarez? A drone contract to kill every ISIS terrorist in Antarctica?
No Way! I figure to go for the big kahuna: either to be named as the new top assistant to Kellyanne Conway, so I can slide right in as campaign manager when she gets kicked upstairs in a few weeks (I mean, nothing personal, Ms. Conway; it’s just that as the campaign reaches new heights, the wheel of fortune keeps going round & round there.)
But if they’re not quite ready for that, I’ve got a fallback, what I think of as the key to the bank, a license to print money.
What else but a degree from Trump University? After all, I got to figure that real estate is gonna go thru the roof when Trump gets in, especially in southern Ontario, as the loser Democrats stampede for the border. Yeah, I gotta get in fast; barely two months left til the election and Mr. D gets his landslide. (Think he’ll let me send in my homework by email?)
Unless, of course, the vote is rigged. But in that case, I’ll pivot and put everything into target ranges.
NOTE: All the offers pictured here are “real”; as are the quotes. And promise you won’t tell him I sent my campaign donations to another candidate. No names — but does $27 ring a bell?