Happy Monday!

It’s true: for decades (well, at least since 2013), Guacamole only gained national recognition indirectly, via National Avocado Day, which was set for July 31 by the self-anointed authority of the National Day Calendar.

The Calendar’s tireless band of curators hovers above the rest of the nation from their headquarters in the cultural center of Mandan, North Dakota (the jewel of Bismarck’s storied suburban west side), and continually updates their roster.

The first avocado date was designated by California growers; July 31 is considered the peak of the growing season for their crop, the nation’s largest. (Calavo is the biggest California brand.)

That might do for toast in boondocks outposts like Brooklyn; but what about America’s favorite mashed green snack, sports TV & Superbowl survival food? I mean, really?

Well almost twenty years ago two young entrepreneurs decided to spotlight that, as part of building a high-end package meal delivery service called Model Meals. They talked to a PR agency, which came up with the Guac Day concept, and they thought there was a fortune to be made from well-heeled foodies determined to find nirvana in a “Whole30 approved, gluten-free and Paleo-friendly” meal delivery service.

Well, like many ambitious startups, Model Meals crashed and burned. But their name, website and other ideas were absorbed by a successor effort, called “Home Bistro,” which had a similar game plan. . . .

. . . And suffered a similar fate. Home Bistro was in turn gobbled up by a venture named Magic Kitchen, which is (as of this date) still cooking.

MK’s menu of hand-delivered delights is definitely for those who wouldn’t be caught dead slipping a Mickey Dee’s wrapper or a Dominos box in the recycling bin.

Like, MK’s dish of cranberry sauce looks yummy, and priced at $7.49.

Then there’s the Flatbread, only $12.99, but it’s got caramelized tomato and onion, plus a balsamic glaze.

And to show off its down-home unpretentious side, Magic Kitchen delivers good old white-on-white-American Mac and cheese (“reinvented” it says, at $14.99).

Yet for all its variety, MK is missing one crucial, magical  offering:

No Guac.

The closest they get is creamed spinach, discounted to 11.99.

Spinach? I mean, WTF (Who’re They Fooling?)

(At least it’s mostly green. And not kale.)

Yet somehow on this long and winding road, Guac Day survived, and managed to find its way to Mandan and the National Day Calendar. But it couldn’t budge National Avocado Day from its July 31 perch; after all, it was there first, and, you know, California. Yet, what was special for Guac about September 16?

Here’s where my investigative staff got it done. They ran down several important clues.

First, they ruled out any connection with National Play-Doh Day, which has barged into their space on the big Calendar. (Unavoidable: the Calendar’s official roster, mainly of paying customers, now tops 1500 National Days, weeks and months. Sure, every day kids try to eat Play Doh– and nearly all survive. But when they discover Guac, for most there’s no going back.

Second, the staff found out that when it comes to avocados, there’s big league, but then there’s really big league. And in the top tier there are several jolts to California producers’ pride: they may grow 85 percent of the avocados that get “guacified” or toasted in the U.S. But the USA’s crop is by no means Number One.

And third, these intrepid researchers discovered that September 16 is also Mexico’s Independence Day. (On this day in 1810, a priest rang a church bell which set off Mexico’s war of Independence from Spain.)

But that’s another story.

In fact, the USA’s avocado/guac yield doesn’t even make the top ten. It’s behind the Dominican Republic, Vietnam, and even Haiti (where, contrary to recent rumors, they do not  use guac to fatten up dogs and cats pre-barbecue). In this massive green field, U. S. production is no better than #13, at 142,000 tons (give or take) in 2022.

The only way we come close to the Big Green, or as I prefer to call it the Big Guac, is geographically. Yep, the world’s Number One producer is Mexico (2.6 million tons in 2022). The runner-up, #2 Colombia, is not even close: 1.1 million, less than half.

So if you got it, flaunt it, they say: the biggest brand in Mexico is an outfit known as Megamex Foods, jointly owned with the U. S. company Hormel. And their big brand is called (wait for it . . .) Wholly Guacamole. (You can look up the rest.)

But Big Guac is, no surprise, a growing market. So one “National Day” is not enough. The Calendar just introduced National Spicy Guacamole Day  on November 14. And related to that, on October 6 the Calendar features, not a new “National Day” but  a recipe for– WHAT??

No. Just no.

Enough is enough. And furthermore, avocado raspberry jalapeno — that’s a guaranteed slippery slope to kale. It has to be stopped.

You heard it first here.