Job-Hunting Leads for Departing White House Staffers

News reports since Election Tuesday indicate that a growing number of White House staffers are reviewing their resumes, riffling through address/networking lists and beginning to think about a post-West Wing job search.

This possibility was evidently not on their radar when they were watching the Boss’s rallies last week, hearing the crowds roar their belief in an impending red wave  and screaming for four more years (at least).

But it seems that Fate, or the Deep State, had other ideas.

The post-election  reports also whisper that for some, maybe many who have labored inside the fence around Lafayette Park since January 2017, employment prospects might not be as plentiful as they would have expected. After all, there’s been a pandemic-driven crash. Plus something about 20,000-plus lies, threats of violence, and 500-plus families broken up at the border, the technical term for which is, stinking up the place.

Whatever; all at once, they hear colleagues humming lines from Eric Clapton’s doing that blues standard, “Nobody Knows You When You’re Down & Out,” or glimpse them furtively punching up the ad campaign from last summer with Ivanka’s cheery meme, “Find Something New.”

Yes, all at once the cold fingers of job anxiety, for so long encountered only in popup videos or at charity galas, begin tickling at the edges of their personal horizons.

But fear not. In the spirit of post-campaign bonhomie and burying the hatchet, I’m here to offer a few hot leads pointing toward bright futures for you.  These are especially promising if you’re feeling a renewed impulse to escape “The Swamp,” since it seems to have indefinitely delayed the Great Draining Project. So let’s get started.

Uber & Lyft: Yes, these fabled unicorn companies, fresh off spending something like $200 million to successfully preserve their California drivers from the corrupting pitfalls of employee status and labor rights, they’ll hire — err, well, contract with you — fast and get you back on track in a hurry.

And why not? Everybody knows you’re going places!

Or maybe you’re an active type, who prefers to be up and moving, getting lots of exercise. You are so in luck! Everybody’s favorite wish fulfilling outfit wants you to join their fulfillment team. Amazon is everywhere, and hiring like mad.

If personal service is more your thing, the top Waffle shop chain is always looking for fresh eggs, fresh hash browns, and fresh faces.

Here you can apply all that campaigner’s charm to pump up the tips, learn grill skills, start climbing the management ladder. WH also has shifts around the clock to fit with all your side hustles.

But if you’re more of a homebody, and can bring experience working the phones, there are plenty of call centers which have pioneered the WFH lifestyle.

You know how to stay on script, right? And the mirror says those headphones and mike give you an intriguingly exotic air. So you’d fit in perfectly. Besides, you could end up calling for donations to your favorite political or advocacy group. Or even their sworn  enemies.  Why not? It makes you more agile.

And hey– no commuting, and work in your pajamas!

Or suppose you’re a science nerd, and crave a part in serving humanity, particularly one that has networking possibilities with Big Pharma, and has only occasional needles.

For such idealists,  a paid research study can be just the ticket. Many even offer special bonuses for recruiting friends and relatives to share the wealth. With a little luck you could be the first in your neighborhood to get the Covid Virus on purpose. What could possibly go wrong?

Now to be sure, you’ve been rubbing elbows with some very special and important people. They might also be joining you in this quest, at least while waiting to see if they’ll be indicted. For some of them, we’ve searched out a selection of very special opportunities.

Take Ivanka. You know how elegant her jewelry and clothing lines are, right? (I believe they’re still mad for them in China.)

If, by some mishap, she had to take over running the household herself, while hubby scrambles to avoid following his daddy’s footsteps into federal safekeeping, she could still supplement the family allowance by adapting her line and sales tactics to new conditions.

House parties and door-to-door? It’s really just like the campaign, girlfriend, except that fewer people get left out in the cold. (And this time, you’re the help.)

Then, for an erstwhile Attorney General, who has specialized in cleaning up really repulsive official messes, what would be more appropriate than another  specialized branch of sanitation services?

He’s been wanting to clean up America for years; and many companies are lined up to help him get right down to the real nitty gritty of it.

Bill, this one is tailor-made for you.

But if some of you are kind of burned out on all the norm-busting, or if the last few Superspreader oval office events were just a few too many, here’s one other option you might consider (at least after you test negative again). The presidential election may be over, but another round of races will soon be upon us.

Yes, you could go to work for the Dems.

Really, it’s not so hard to flip. And I hear they’ll be gearing up fast down in Georgia.  (I think they’ve already started; email your resume to the recruiting director, Stacey Abrams). Working conditions will be intense into January. But one extra benefit will be that you won’t have to keep up with nearly as many lies.

Yes, this weekend the West Wing may be a downer, but buck up. Opportunities abound on every side. Is America a great country, or what?

Good luck. Oh, be sure to bring your mask.

6 thoughts on “Job-Hunting Leads for Departing White House Staffers”

  1. I don’t usually pay attention to functionaries after a regime has passed, but his time I intend to make a stink every time any of them is given a platform.

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