This One Weird Trick Will guarantee to Fully Empty Your Brain Before Labor Day Brunch — Try It NOW!

Labor Day Secrets:

2026 Update (Enhanced by AI —Already Inscribed)

Why can locksmiths stay open on Labor Day? Because they are key workers.

Q: Why do managers never go bowling with their employees?
A: Because they’re afraid of strikes!

My Labor Day plans are simple: honor years of hard work by refusing to locate my laptop charger.

I am celebrating Labor Day by giving my ambition the day off. It has been working overtime without results.

I left a snack in the office fridge before Labor Day.
By Tuesday, it will either be gone or promoted to management.

The mute button is responsible for preserving more careers than any leadership seminar.

My Zoom always works perfectly until I say, “Let me share my screen.”

My remote-work uniform is business on top and “please don’t ask me to stand up” below.

My long-weekend itinerary includes breakfast, second breakfast, and asking “Why it’s already Monday night?

I came to the cookout for friendship. I stayed because someone uncovered another potato salad.

The grill master said the burgers needed five more minutes. That was three conversations and two hot dogs ago.

I brought a healthy appetite to the barbecue. It was the healthiest thing on my plate.

My teacher said the long weekend was not an excuse to forget everything.
I appreciate an ambitious thinker.

School after Labor Day feels like reopening a book and discovering the plot has moved on without you.

Teachers spend the long weekend relaxing, planning lessons, answering emails, and redefining “relaxing.”

 

How I Found the Right Job

In honor of Labor Day, here’s a first person report of someone who was not quite as successful as he had hoped to be in the job market:

As a young man

My first job was in an orange juice factory, but I couldn’t concentrate on the same old boring rind, so I got canned.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried out in a donut shop, but soon got tired of the hole business, and the boss always had this totally glazed look.

I manufactured calendars, but my days there were numbered.

I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job, de-pleating and de-pressing, and the foreman couldn’t stop needling me.

After that I took a job as an upholsterer, but I never recovered.

In my prime

Next I signed on in a car muffler factory, but that was totally exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.

Then I took pilot lessons, but tended to wing it, and didn’t have the right altitude.

I studied to become a doctor, but didn’t have enough patients for the gig.

I almost became a Velcro salesman, but In the end couldn’t stick with it, and kept getting ripped off.

I tried my hand at being a tennis pro, but it wasn’t my racket. I was too high strung.

I became a baker, but it wasn’t a cakewalk, and I couldn’t make enough dough. They fired me after I left a cake out in the rain; now that really frosted me, and I’ll never have the recipe again …

I was a masseur for a while, but kept rubbing people the wrong way.

I managed to get a promising job at a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining, and I kept getting plugged up. (They tried to hire me to fix the Reflecting Pool, but I was already on a tear . . .

Later in life

I became a personal trainer in a gym, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

I thought about being a historian, but couldn’t see a future in it.

Next I got all amped up about being an electrician, but found the work shocking and revolting, so they pulled the plug and discharged me.

I signed up to be a teacher, but soon lost my principal, my faculties, and my class.

I turned to farming, but wasn’t outstanding in my field, it was a tough row to hoe, and insects kept bugging me.

I took a job as an elevator operator. That one really had its ups and downs, and sure enough I got the shaft.

They took me on to sell origami and I really liked it, but then the business folded.

Finally:

I truly  wanted to make it as a fireman, but suffered burnout, and got the hose.

They said I was a natural when I signed up as a mule trainer; but soon enough I was out on my ass.

I became a banker, but lacked interest and maturity, and finally checked out, withdrew and got bounced from the job.

I got hooked into a spin as a professional fisherman, but couldn’t live on my net income.

I next worked in a shoe factory, but I just didn’t fit in. They thought I was a loafer, and gave me the boot. But it was the wrong size and had a spike heel.

I landed at Starbucks, but it was always the same old grind, and I could never remember that pumpkin spice wasn’t a pie.

So now I’ve retired, and find I’m a perfect fit for this job!